Cutting Through Inessentials

I have almost made my decision. I love working here in Jordan. I love being a special-education teacher. I love how seamless this transition has been. I love being the "foreigner" and changing perceptions about Americans. I LOVE my deaf-blind children. And I probably won't extend my term here. No need for lamentation.

I felt a distinct calling to do SALT. It had nothing to do with a preconceived notion that I am a light to others, and I should by all means travel the world to illuminate the lives of others. It was simpler than that, and hopefully less naive. I did my best to clear my mind, eliminate personal and cultural pressures. I wanted to feel a bit more surrendered. To engage the idea of service without presupposing that I have spectacular calling to which I must adhere. No obligations except to listen, carefully. Delicately, painfully cutting through my own intentions to find the faintest of whispers. I don't really know what I found, but I just knew it was clear once personal motivations were shed, at least to the greatest extent my flawed perspective was capable of.

In considering extending my SALT term, I haven't been doing that. I examined what I love, and what I want. It isn't that those things wouldn't coincide with service, but ultimately, that doesn't necessarily integrate with faithfulness. It comes down to cutting through the inessentials, to find that one important thing. A "calling" sounds so exclusive, but it is usually the language I subscribe to. I'll bypass that here in favor of expressing this process as "listening". It sounds like a cop out, as if I am waiting out God, hoping to have the direction provided. That isn't how I see it. I am just trying to keep my limited (often selfish) perspective from poisoning my decision, under pretense of righteousness. I very much doubt I can entirely eliminate my fallibility, but poison in small amounts is bearable, without toxically endangering the outcome.

I am usually the obstacle in a relationship. No amount of sincerity can overcome personal motives. So, I want this decision to be made without sincerity. Yeah, now I'm confused too. It should be self evident. That is the nature of truth. It just is. Can't contain it, can't own it. You just experience it. Sincerity not required. With open eyes, open heart, open mind, I hope to get there. As of now, my motives excluded, I am experiencing a new feeling. I feel a bit closer to God, and I feel like I won't be in Jordan next year. It is, quite surely, more real than the reasons to stay, which I have conjured up over the past few months. But rather than following a host of important things, I think I am closer to following the one important thing. Peace.