Not Just Because I Can

Over Christmas, I have a visit from a great friend by the name of John Miller. I think this photo captures the essence of our friendship.

On to other things...

I am extending. I don't know all the details. I am planning on adding two years, but there are still things to work out. I am not extending just because I can, or because I love this school, or because I have nothing else to do. I have so many options. But staying here does not mean I will miss out on anything. You might contend that opportunities are gone, friends might fade, and my life's course will drastically deviate from "what could have been" (maybe even a sigh would accompany such a thought). I am not the type to imagine an omniscient sense of how the future plays out based on my decisions now. By some exclusive property, yes, I will admit that I am passing up on unknowns that the future would hold if I were in the US. To say that I could care less would carry undertones of apathy that are misleading. In theory, I don't think I can be dissatisfied with what I am doing if I truly believe that I am acting out of Christian faith. I am certainly not perfect, though, and maybe I made this decision based on the wrong criteria. Maybe I made it at the wrong time. Maybe I made it in the wrong context, with the wrong reasons.

All those musings seem confuddling (not a word). I made this decision based on what I have. I didn't want to make it in my comfortable, US context. That would have been cheating. I didn't desire for different criteria. That would have discounted what I am doing now. I didn't want to make it a different time. That would have degraded my connection to this community. And I certainly didn't want different reasons. That would have cut God out of my equation.

Perhaps I will feel differently in a year. Perhaps that should be scary. I can just as easily contend that perhaps I would be miserable back in the US, with thoughts of "what could have been in Jordan" (again, *sigh*). Conjectures, though, are boring.

I am not comfortable in this culture (I can't imagine how hard it would be for a female). I certainly don't understand a lot of what goes on around me. I constantly have ideas about how I would like to improve the educational approach here, but am not in a position to really even suggest reform. I am certainly not intoxicated by this place. Definitely not needed. Slightly appreciated. Increasingly blessed. Inadequately thankful. Evidently happy. Peacefully content.

Recently, I have had some awesome experiences. A veritable explosion of utterly nonsensical, raucous laughter from Mohammed as I tried to convince him that a stuffed animal was fluent in sign-language. Witnessing Haazim independently execute his first sign ever, under my instruction after only a few days of extra work with him (which I was initially ungrateful, even indignant about being assigned to). Continued excitement during a game, as Haazim went into fits of joy in response to my signing of "correct" with inappropriately loud verbalizations of the Arabic word to accompany it. And, the simple moments, when Mohammed (without reason or prompting) approaches me to point his finger into my chest, then makes a horizontal "V" with his hand, brings it to his head, and closes it as his hand moves away. It means, "You are happy." And he is always right.

I anticipate these experiences will keep coming, but they are not the reason for my extended term. Maybe it will get harder, but I do love the people here. I love this spiritual community. Love doesn't have a contingency that allows it to fade when things get hard. Or when I think about missing out on another alumni game at Bethel College. Or wonder if I'll ever get married. Or doubt that I'll find the vocation that God is calling me to. But the love from God that I know is consistent. It is fulfilling. I hope that my service here is directly accessing a vein of that love. And the reason that I can extend is because of that infallible, unfailing well which I have access to. I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of growth to undergo. God is helping me, and is with me. It was an important decision, but not a difficult or big one. And if you know me, you probably can understand the laid-back-ishness that I convey here. I don't fret over decisions when I make them, because as long as I feel God at work, I am at peace. And I have that, which seems adequate. Peace.

Transparency

Best picture I could find. Confused. Happy. Signing. All me.

In some ways, I have learned to dissect my own thoughts. It is as if I have one brain for thinking and another brain to analyze the first brain's motives. Not an essential skill, and it certainly makes me busy in thought (an ongoing process to monitor active processes isn't always efficient). Still, it often keeps me...peaceful.

There is an incredible amount of thought that has been allotted to considering extending my term with MCC. There is a requisite for such a decision, and I somehow am blocking it. I didn't decide to do SALT because of the chance to travel. Or see a new culture. Or be on my own. Or find myself. Or to prove I know what a Christian is supposed to do (which I don't quite have nailed down). The requisite is clear-cut: Be faithful and go where God leads. And here I am.

I like being led. It might appear as apathy, or complacency, or maybe just uncertainty. I prefer to think of it as...trusting. Not look before you leap, but jump before you think. It keeps me from faltering, falling back on the perceived power I have in making my own decisions. And it is good to feel powerful, I won't deny that. But once you realize it is a contrived sense of control, it kind of loses its luster. And now, I have this decision forced upon me. I get to determine my future.

Bwaahaa (that is the cry of the worker at Lon Lon Ranch in Zelda: Ocarina of Time...if you don't get it, move on). Sure, the decision will put me in a place (culture, context, occupation, etc.), but what I do and how I do it are the important things. So, a place determines my future? I think, no. In that respect, this decision feels irrelevant. Jesus seems to be telling me that having family 45 minutes away isn't top on his list. And that having a rec. league basketball team doesn't make the cut. And that the desire to reconnect with college friends is precluded by a love for your neighbor, whoever that might be. I don't think I am called to deny those things indefinitely. I do think I am called to deny them entirely when considering extending my term, though. Just the same as I am called to deny the flattery and encouragement that emboldens me to think I belong in this deaf/deaf-blind, Arabic community.

So, I have come down to a need for transparency. I haven't discussed this decision extensively with...anyone really. If only one thing matters, why discuss all the reasons that my brain is coming up with, or the analytical side to discern motives of those reasons? (If you would like to talk to me about it, I'm game, just because communication is so gosh-darn fun.) So, I am gonna wait, and on the day that I need to make the decision (Saturday) I am cutting it all down to see where I am led (not where I am pulling). I work with deaf-blind students, and every moment they have that kind of trust. To take the hand, and just go. Not because they know what is coming, but because the person leading does. That should be enough. Peace.

P.S.- I don't really have two brains. Additionally, I had an alternative method of making this decision, but it involved factors such as: If my presence in Kansas would increase KU's chances of another national championship in basketball. If I would be entirely bald (not by choice) by the time an extended term were finished. If teleportation would be a viable method of transportation within the next two years, thus nullifying the need to choose between Jordan and the US. If I was planning on being hit by a car, inducing life-threatening head-trauma, which would render my auditory nerves damaged, leaving me deaf (not plausible, but if I was planning it, then staying in this community would make sense). If a Jordanian bride were offered to me within the next few days (not saying I would accept, but the gesture would certainly be appreciated and quite moving). And if the local shops here would carry ice cream year-round (seriously, I like ice cream a lot, and superficially, that holds a lot of clout in my book).