Cutting Through Inessentials

I have almost made my decision. I love working here in Jordan. I love being a special-education teacher. I love how seamless this transition has been. I love being the "foreigner" and changing perceptions about Americans. I LOVE my deaf-blind children. And I probably won't extend my term here. No need for lamentation.

I felt a distinct calling to do SALT. It had nothing to do with a preconceived notion that I am a light to others, and I should by all means travel the world to illuminate the lives of others. It was simpler than that, and hopefully less naive. I did my best to clear my mind, eliminate personal and cultural pressures. I wanted to feel a bit more surrendered. To engage the idea of service without presupposing that I have spectacular calling to which I must adhere. No obligations except to listen, carefully. Delicately, painfully cutting through my own intentions to find the faintest of whispers. I don't really know what I found, but I just knew it was clear once personal motivations were shed, at least to the greatest extent my flawed perspective was capable of.

In considering extending my SALT term, I haven't been doing that. I examined what I love, and what I want. It isn't that those things wouldn't coincide with service, but ultimately, that doesn't necessarily integrate with faithfulness. It comes down to cutting through the inessentials, to find that one important thing. A "calling" sounds so exclusive, but it is usually the language I subscribe to. I'll bypass that here in favor of expressing this process as "listening". It sounds like a cop out, as if I am waiting out God, hoping to have the direction provided. That isn't how I see it. I am just trying to keep my limited (often selfish) perspective from poisoning my decision, under pretense of righteousness. I very much doubt I can entirely eliminate my fallibility, but poison in small amounts is bearable, without toxically endangering the outcome.

I am usually the obstacle in a relationship. No amount of sincerity can overcome personal motives. So, I want this decision to be made without sincerity. Yeah, now I'm confused too. It should be self evident. That is the nature of truth. It just is. Can't contain it, can't own it. You just experience it. Sincerity not required. With open eyes, open heart, open mind, I hope to get there. As of now, my motives excluded, I am experiencing a new feeling. I feel a bit closer to God, and I feel like I won't be in Jordan next year. It is, quite surely, more real than the reasons to stay, which I have conjured up over the past few months. But rather than following a host of important things, I think I am closer to following the one important thing. Peace.

Dichotomy

I could tell you about my week, the joys of teaching, the successes and failures, and how life is Jordan is shaping up. But I won't. You might even want to hear about those things, but I am too far away for you to hold significant authority over the content of my blog. Seriously, what are you going to do? Send me a strongly worded email? Defile my image on your prayer card with a less than flattering addition of a curly moostache? (emphasis on the "moooo") Put a delicious cake in a box, then send it to me knowing that the postal service in Jordan is less than reputable, resulting in a rather dissappointing delivery of a moldy surprise 6 weeks later? Trivial responses that hold no power here.

Instead, I will tell you about my realization (or acknowledgement of what I already knew) yesterday, while fulfilling my duties as resident painter. I have two competing mindsets. One that tells me I should continue to be guided towards a vocation, and another that tells me that to love others is my vocation. I think both to be valid, and each has varying degrees of selfishness involved. Once I decided to do SALT, I didn't have to worry about each. An assumption was made that I would do this for a year, and then I would know what to do afterwards. It wasn't ignorance, or a naive sense of purpose, or even some presupposition that I could do whatever I want and God would eventually direct me. I just figured that the answer was somewhere in the future, to be stumbled upon.

Ha. You are picturing me, the fool, tripping over a rock? No. I am sitting here. I saw the rock 10 steps before I could have tripped. So, now, I sit before it. Deliberating. Pondering. A tranquil state of pensiveness. Quite content.

I know there isn't an answer. An answer would insinuate that there was a question. There isn't one. Just a decision. And each path has varying degrees of selfishness, accompanied by genuine passion and relevance. Could I extend my term with MCC? To continue working with "my" deaf-blind children. To continue to be so far from family. To continue to be a cultural anomaly. To continue volunteering for the sake of a cause, for the sake of love and service. To wonder how significantly it would alter future paths if I stayed. To continue to be unabashedly captivated by the wonders of my job. I have seen the negatives, and have felt the drudgery of this schedule. The exhaustion comes and goes. And none of it, at any point, has concealed the truth. I love this place, and after the first month here, I was already thinking about how hard it would be to say goodbye. Maybe it would be selfish to put off the need to say goodbye...

And then, there is the other side. I could leave it at one year. Seems practical. Find my niche when I return to the U.S., resume my position in familiarity. Actively discern God's calling, and integrate my SALT experience in a newly formed perspective, allowing for the pursuit of a vocation that reflects my convictions and integrates my gifts. Reconnect with friends. Spend time with family. Make some money, pay the rent, establish a plan for the future. Good stuff. An allure of returning to familiarity carries undertones of selfishness as well...

Just because I am in Jordan doesn't mean I can't feel your thoughts. You think this is a tough position for me to be in. Alone, working through a seemingly important decision. So many things to consider, with implications galore. I relish this. I am at an all-time high. I can't lose, because no matter which way I go, it will be the right decision. As long as I am aware of my motivations, and push them all aside to ultimately choose where God can best use me, then the degree of difficulty and loss of the "other path" become irrelevant. I can't anticipate when the decision will need to be made, and I don't know if I'll truly "know" which path I'm on until I stop again to look back. For now, I'll sit here and play with this rock for a while. Maybe I'll even take it with me when I resume walking, just in case I want another stumbling point in the future. Peace.