I am usually fairly positive, and I think that adding a "w" to insomnia makes it sound lot better. I mean, who doesn't enjoy mental exhaustion and sleepiness, almost every day, for more than 5 weeks? Who doesn't respond with elation when waking up at 3am is seemingly programmed into the body's sleep schedule? Who doesn't relish the relative impatience, lowered thresholds for outcropping of frustrations, and less than pleasant expressions plastered across their faces as tiredness takes its toll?
I have enjoyed, at times, the constant challenge of overcoming this obstacle. For the most part, it is much more draining than the lack of sleep itself. And I rarely overcome it. At best, I feel like I am operating at about 50% efficiency. Quite literally, I can count on one hand the number of days that I have felt like myself during my work day, being patient and thoughtful (It should be noted, though, that I have a normal number of digits on my hand. If I had 30 fingers, then it would be much less impressive to say such a thing...). It feels somewhat disappointing to really enjoy what I do, but to have so many breakdowns. Falling asleep in the middle of helping Mohammed spell a word in Arabic. Being inexplicably irritable, and criticizing rather than facilitating and helping. Committing to going to bed before 9pm, then waking up at midnight, 2am, and 6am.
The contrast is starkly remarkable. Tired day: I asked Mohammed a question. He did not answer, but rather mirrored my signs back to me. I quickly informed him of his lack of an answer, and the insufficiency of his response. I then allowed him time to think, but mostly struggle to identify where he went wrong. I then tell him he needs to work, and not be lazy, and that I am not satisfied with his studying.
One of my few not-tired days: I asked Mohammed a question. He did not answer. I gave him two possibilities, based on a recent exercise during a classroom session. He gave an answer, without understanding it. I had asked "How is school? Do you like it or do you not like it?". He responded, "I like school." He doesn't understand the meaning, though. This is his "program", not expressing anything, but rather reeling off a trained response learned by rote. So, I move on. I say, "How is (blank)? Do you like it or not like it?". I give him several items he likes to let him build confidence in his answer, affirming him. Then, I ask about exercise. He gives the same response "I like". 70 push-ups later, he is exhausted. Does he still like exercise, in this moment? No. Not remotely. And he is starting to make a connection, but doesn't know what to do, so when I ask him a final time, "Do you like exercise or do you not like exercise?", it is with exasperation that he says, "I don't know." He didn't even know that he could express it, even though he is perfectly capable of using the sign, "I don't like". I had to illustrate it for him. And then, suddenly, he was on the "don't like" bandwagon. So, when I asked him about his shirt and his pants he thought the answer was clear, but he was suddenly confused once again, because as I responded (in the middle of a room full of people) "if you don't like your clothes, let's get them off", he knew something was clearly wrong. As he frantically fought off my hands, while simultaneously bursting out in nervous laughter, a connection was being made. "Like" and "not like" are more than classifications. It isn't just about repeating "I like school", or "I love mama" or "I want to eat". There is meaning, and the meaning is expressive. In addition, he is allowed to express his feelings, and others can actually understand it. Not that he has suddenly mastered expressive communication, but he is moving towards awareness of it.
Ummm....which day sounded better? It is kind of like this: I tell you I'm having a party. I give the you the day and the time. You show up. I say, "Hey, it's a party". Then I get you a glass of water, make up a word like "firgled", and then tell you about my hopes for KU basketball this year. You might have a really good time, watching me fill your glass with unfettered excitement. No doubt you giggled at "firgled". If you like KU, you might feel engaged...but it all depends on if you equate boring with exciting. Or. I tell you I'm having a party. You show up and I have a Moonwalk (you know, the awesome inflatable bouncy house). I made fresh fruit cocktails. A KU game is actually on. There are fireworks, and maybe even an amateur wizard is present for all sorts of magical shenanigans. That's a party. For me, both days involve work, but only one has a lot of work being done.
Through all the tired days, we have still made progress. I wish to make much more progress though, and a not-tired day is usually ends with me entertaining other aspirations, like starting self-taught parkour around the campus. I like when I have the energy to do that. For now, I suppose I have to be thankful for the not-tired days when they come, and hope that the insomnia subsides. In the meantime, I guess I'll keep pushing myself to be accountable to the weariness. To be aware, and focus everything I have into accomplishing the same goals, no matter my energy level.
If it wasn't lack of quality sleep, it would certainly be something else influencing my work day. Thankfully, sleeplessness is easy to recognize, and helps me to be critical about how I conduct myself in the classroom. Hopefully, it will help me develop better habits as a teacher, which is definitely more of a blessing than a curse. And, in the end, everyone wins. Hence, winsomnia. Peace.
