Egregious Monstrosity

Egregious. There is a sort of unbelievable essence and simultaneously negative connotation associated with the word. A tacit association that makes its appearance leave a generally unpleasant aftertaste after it rolls through the language processing of the brain. The brain does, after all, receive and interpret the sense of taste, and I sometimes confuse reading a word with tasting a word. Coincidentally, some particularly sweet words are vivacious and moose (or mousse, whose actual taste I am more familiar with).

Egregious. Through information imparted upon me, I have become aware that this word, instead of meaning uncommonly bad, can also be defined as remarkably good. Perhaps the usage has faded out of the modern lexicon. And, in the beginning of this post, I am not yet sure how I will ascribe the descriptor. So come with me on a Bob Ross expedition, and we will paint the definition as we go.

My second school year has come to a close, and I want to take a moment to go back to the start. I can hardly remember what Mohammed was like at the very beginning of the delightful insanity that I call a job. In scanning my old blog posts, I am suddenly awakened. Buried deep in the recesses of my mind, though, memories begin crawling to the foreground. Their wretched claws digging deep, with a resurrected vitality. I am there again.

Mohammed was casual, and just as I didn't expect much from him, he didn't expect much from me. I labeled him "brilliant". He labeled me "teacher". Everyday was predictable, and we held hands as I guided him through each activity (very few of which he could actually accomplish on his own). Go to school and stack blocks for 30 minutes. Come back, sit and have a snack, relax for 30 minutes. Bathroom break. Mohammed going through the motions as I clean shelves for him. Go to lunch. Another hour break. Prepare a schedule, in which Mohammed pretended to read braille. You are bored reading about it. I was enthralled, back then, by the novelty. Spending 45 minutes just working on moving his fingers to sign the number two. I had some sense of vision that told me this was a great place to be, despite the fact that I couldn't really wade through the fog of a fervidly fueled ignorance of what it would mean to really delve into deafblind education.

I was also surprised to go back and read some perspectives I had then. I couldn't see myself staying in Jordan to continue working. I seemed convinced I would end up back in the states. Me, in my element, being analytical and detaching all factors beyond the influences of a moment, then transitioning into the spiritual aspects and future implications. I was placid and preoccupied, but with earnest proclivities based on bearings I considered to be founded on maturity (the reality, though, is that I desperately needed to learn how to fail, how to be angry, how to be focused, to develop maturity that would be a staunch, grizzly voice unfailing in constancy).

I stayed in Jordan. The reason was to pursue a better understanding of the Christian ethic of service. I still have a lot of work to do, that respect. The bonus, though, was the inception of the "egregious monstrosity". This has been a two-headed leviathan, whose lurking I have come to fondly embrace much in the same way that I enjoy a free hour to clean the gym and shoot some hoops.

The first head of the beast is Mohammed. He is now an unstoppable force, and his advancement has left me befuddled and inadequate in most every sense. And here is why: I have given him permission to undergo metamorphosis. No more hand-holding, no more sitting around. His growth becomes a daily struggle, not for me, but for him to engage. So, with several weeks left of school, when Mohammed decided to just quit working, I gave him the freedom to do so. The old, silent, passive Mohammed of yesteryear evaporated. A conniving, cutthroat, and cunning adversary had replaced him. Even a simple task, such as preparing his food book, became something he refused to do. Taking independence to a whole new echelon, infused with stubbornness, he chose every braille card except the one word for the food we were having that evening (then pretended to not know that the final word was on the page....before finally succumbing to defeat when realizing I had his number). It is extraordinary to see him transform from a kid that could not answer questions, could not understand or sign "2", would not use a walking cane, would not sign anything unless in prompted by a specific sequence of signs that were familiar.

Now, he asks me how I'm doing, he tells me he wants to listen to music, or pack his clothes to start summer vacation, or even lie and pretend that he no longer recognizes the braille words that he's been preparing in his food book for months. Such delightful treachery. Now, when I tell I'm quitting work and going home for vacation, and that he can stay at school and work, he clutches my arm and remind me that this will not happen. It won't happen because Mohammed is going home for vacation. Mohammed doesn't want to work anymore. Brent has to stay at the school to work on his computer. Such statements are now a regularity. Before, the extent of his expression were phrases such as, "music", or "eating finished", or "no misbehavior", and all were preceded by significant prompting.

In addition to the monster I have created, the one I have built a cocoon for, there has been one emerging from the depths of my soul. The passion for my job has become inseparable from the other aspects of my life. I take my work home with me. When I have a bad work day, it carries over into my personal life. Why? My personal life is also at the school, for the most part. This egregious monstrosity has an insatiable desire for perfection. It has an eclectic allure. It has a penchant for critical degradation of even the most fervent efforts.

And this monster is adorable. I hold it close to my core. In some ways, it has been defeatist to remain so open to being broken down at the center of my being. But, it has also been faithful and endearingly honest. Honesty about when I need to be better. Honesty about failures. Honesty about lack of maturity and perspective. The antithesis to cookie monster. Rather than consuming delectable treats, it dispenses treats that are rather hard to swallow. Sharing is caring...as a large, purple, pre-Cretaceous reptile used to say.

This colossus has, at times, left me emaciated. It has driven me, more than once, to just retreat into solitude and lay prostrate in prayer. It has pushed me to the edge of weariness. It has inflicted lasting impressions that are now a part of me. And it has, always been valuable. As long I continue to let this egregious monstrosity be a companion, I must also continue in the development of maturity. And there are moments when I am undoubtedly short-sighted, but as a part of this two-year process, the results have been remarkably good. And that is the egregious that I like best. Peace.

Expression

It is getting hot. It is a dry, unimposing, strangling heat. The conditions are perfect for backpack strap sweat lines. Perfect for swimming (if one had access to a pool). Perfect for foreigners who have become accustomed to not taking showers more than 3 times a weeks (because from here on out, I will reek of the involuntary perspiration that is continually issued throughout the day).

Mohammed feels the effects. He has made it clear that he will no longer be wearing sneakers. Sandals are his footwear of choice because it is "very hot". Not wanting him to forget how to tie shoes, I turn to my most effective teaching method: Entrapment. Without mentioning my intentions, I casually ask Mohammed if he would like to help me. Hesitantly, he consents. I explain that there seems to be a problem with my shoe (the next part he doesn't actually receive, because he pulls his hands away at the mention of shoe...) and I would like him to fix it. He quickly signs, "Shoes finished." I remind him that he already agreed to help me, but to no avail. We argue back and forth, and I am trying to make him aware that his honor is at stake. After all, an accord was struck.

Nope. He doesn't care. No big deal. To really goad him, I tell him I am angry that he is refusing to help me now, and he can go get his own shoes and tie them. "Nononono," says Mohammed. "Come on, you said you'd help. Don't be lazy," says Brent. "No. Tying shoes finished. You do it. You're lazy," says Mohammed.

WHAT. Go back and re-read that. He insulted me. For the first time. EVER. I was quite happy. It is likely the best insult I will ever receive. If there has been a primary goal for the year, it has been development of expressive communication. Not just waiting for prompts and responding, but to actually be conscious of his own thoughts and spitting them out. And he did. I wish I could say I rewarded him for it, but I just carried on the conversation, as a conversation should go. We dueled, and he eventually helped me out. His successful tying of my shoes was followed by much laud, as celebratory dancing was initiated. We were happy.

I am in the boardinghouse many evenings. I inform Mohammed of my fatigue, and my desire to crash for a quick nap. I scurry up his ladder to his prepared bed and flop down, with Mohammed hot on my heels, clinging to whatever garments that come within his grasp. As I pretend to sleep, he is lifting my head off his pillow, then signing furiously, at such unprecedented speed that I imagine the Earth's rotation was inverted and time began to creep backwards. The gist of it: Brent is not tired, thanks to God. Sleeping is done. This is Mohammed's bed.

Another victory for expressive communication.

It is Thursday, and I re-arrange his braille schedule. He identifies this, and matter-of-factly tells me, "This is wrong." Good, my young apprentice. Expressive communication: "Ah, yes. A Jedi's weapon, much like your father's. By now you must know that your father can never be turned from the Dark Side. So will it be with you." --Emperor Palpatine

Palpatine said it well, but you have to add in words like "communicator", "effectiveness", "teacher", and "Expressive Side" to make it relevant. If you switch it all out, though, the quote becomes convoluted, and taints the Star Wars legacy. So, you can work out the metaphor as you see fit.


It had been a particularly draining day, and after coaxing one of the other students from the deafblind unit to navigate to the dining hall on his own, I was late to eat. I was exhausted. I certainly hadn't had enough sleep. I sit down to eat, and am minding my own business. Then Mohammed, with seemingly no reason, walks over to the table I am at. Casually, he asks, "How are you?"  It was so unexpected that my initial response was only laughter, with a hint of pride. I couldn't say anything other than, "I am happy." Still laughing, and neglecting to continue signing, Mohammed takes initiative to finish the conversation. "How is Mohammed? Mohammed is good. Thanks be to God."


Mohammed still thinks he has it all figured out most of the time, but I am luring him to the Dark side. As the Emperor said, " Oh no, my young Jedi. You will find that it is you who are mistaken, about a great many things. " It's me and him, working it all out, and the expression is powerful. The two of us, master and apprentice, just like the Sith. But more peaceful....peace.

Position to Critique

Only once have I driven a stick shift. I don't consider the lack of experience to be a character flaw. I simply haven't encountered situations in which such skills were needing cultivation. So, I would consider myself to be somewhat less than an expert on shifting technique. Lack of technique does not put one in a good position to critique.

So, when I was graced with a taxi driver of utter incompetence as I was finishing an Easter vacation in Egypt, I broke the basic tenants of criticism. Although I wasn't vocal, I felt I had a decent grasp on this driver's apparent disregard for gears, based on the periodic "drrrrreeeeeeggggggkhhhhhh" as he let off the clutch and THEN attempted to shift up. As his embarrassment took residence in his crimson face, I assured him that it wasn't a problem. I wanted to be kind, and not point out his deplorable performance, hoping some encouragement would bring him to a higher echelon of driving skills. We continued on, occasionally lurching forward intermittently, thus disrupting my attempts to sleep. The day before, I had pulled an all-nighter while hiking up Mt. Sinai to watch the sunrise and visit a monastery. Needless to say, I wanted sleep.

Gears locking in, and the car pouncing forward like a decrepit cheetah making one last attempt at catching some unattainable prey. I was in no mood for metaphors, but my tired brain wanted to make the best of the situation. And soon I found I was blessed to be kept awake, as I became navigator on this already overly exciting expedition. At the first opportunity to turn, we had two options, and a clearly marked sign. One route led north to Nuweiba. The other: South to Sharm el Sheikh (my destination). As my driver, with the confidence of wicker chair, crept slowly towards the north route. Initially dumbfounded, I came to the conclusion that he is illiterate. Suddenly, this was the most interesting taxi ride ever (it was before...but he raised the bar). I doubted that informing him of this would be productive.

We kept going, and the driver, having sunk to the depths of self-pity, made a bold decision to cut his losses and stay in 4th gear to cruise at a full 30km/h below the speed limit. I was happy, because I knew that the highway was a straight shot for at least 40 km, so I wouldn't need to monitor him (I assumed he could tell the difference between the road and the adjacent desert). Close to Sharm, I once more directed him, as he didn't recognize the left arrow with a big airplane next to it as a symbol for the airport. It all culminated with him driving the on the wrong side of the highway to pull a u-turn, which was perhaps the most confident maneuver he performed. I smiled.

I wasn't in a position to critique, but I felt quite qualified to do so. My job is the same way. Recently, I have been feeling pressure from some people to change the program of my student, which I have been utterly resistant to. As the requests became more frequent and direct, I had to explain that Mohammed has a schedule built based on assessments and priorities, not based on platitudes and fantastical whims. I was entirely frustrated with the situation, especially since the art of reasoning was being discarded for phrases beginning with "I think it would be nice" or "this is what I hope" that contained no measure of professional perspective. Not conducive to discourse.

The worst moment came when I was told that my dedication to Mohammed's education was "selfish". I was so appalled that I just laughed. It was later clarified that I am "selfish" in the sense that I prefer Mohammed to only work with me and that he doesn't get to be with others. I defensively cackled. Selfish. Selfish?

I do try to be humble, but the self-righteous road was calling my name. Outraged, and feeling inconsolably withered down, I went back to work but was pacing. Pacing. Heart racing. Flushed with emotion. . Repeating the word. Selfish. I admit, I am with Mohammed most of my day. Even past work hours, we are together, often until he goes to bed. Regardless of the connotation, selfish was not appropriate. To me, it felt like a vicious low blow, absent-minded thrown without regard for the impact. His waking hours are not mine, they are OURS. We share them, and we learn together. I wouldn't trade that for anything, but that isn't selfishness. That is love and dedication for a student that deserves a lot more than I know how to give. Admittedly, he changes the standards I hold myself to, but he has also changed the way I see my life. I am continually trying to let my work reflect the gratitude I feel towards him.


I still bare my teeth some days, but the issue was resolved. It was paramount, especially to show that I will passionately fight for my student. And to show that I have knowledge, and experience, and commitment. And I don't take those things for granted. I use them to do as good of a job as I can. Mohammed comes first. Selfish...I guess I'll laugh that one off until humor swallows the sting.

In another unrelated occurrence, I had an amazing moment that illustrates what human potential is when someone has the chance to truly be connected to another individual. Kawther is deafblind, and she suffers from some neuromuscular disorder (I am unaware of the etiology). Perhaps resembling a subtype of spastic cerebral palsy, she lacks directed motion. Unable to walk, and seemingly unable to coordinate movements of several muscles simultaneously, that she will ever be able to even use gestures as a form of communication is a long shot.

Occasionally, though, I will approach her just to say hi, allowing her to become aware of my presence, and taking my hand as I identify myself with my beard and short hair. She has now become familiar enough with me that she will try to stand and walk into my open arms as I kneel directly in front of her. It is a wonderful expression of trust and affection.

And then, in the extraordinary manner which I have become accustomed to as being the essence of individuals who are deafblind, Kawther began to talk to me. She talked about my lukewarm and welcoming hands, commenting in the way that she grasped them. I replied by squeezing and pulling her in closer. She expressed her desire to dance. I felt honored to be her partner. As her weak legs tried to spin around, with her arms fumbling for support from me, I encouraged her by providing assistance. If she fell, and picked her up and embraced her. My way of saying, "That was a wonderful effort." A kiss on the cheek conveys, "You are amazing." And then, she replies, taking my arms and actually manipulating my movements. She pulls my arms around her and smiles. I pull my arms away, but she tugs them back, and as I powerfully hug her, she smiles again. It becomes a game that lasts for 20 minutes, simply taking turns, allowing her to express herself and know that I am responding. That we are communicating. At the end, though, she takes the opportunity to clarify that I am among the doubters. Oh ye of little faith. As I hold my arms out of her reach, she brings both of her arms across her chest. She is signing that she wants a hug. I hug her and the most vibrant, winsome smile shows up. She has, perhaps for the first time in her life, used symbolic communication to express herself, and she is loving it. She does it again and again, showing utmost pleasure in this discovery with each hug that I give. And I am just sitting there in awe, arms wrapped around her and almost in tears, because I am more proud of her in this moment than perhaps I have ever felt in regards to anything I've accomplished.

It is as if I rediscovered love in that moment. We were each taken down to simplicity, to the core of our beings, and we were bringing our complete selves to the conversation. To that moment. To that relationship. An exchange of what is essential, and a recognition of God's presence in another. A dance in which we were both enriched to see the other without any ulterior motives. Rejoicing in who another person is, in an objective matter, in which my ego had no place. I wasn't thrilled with Kawther because her success was also my triumph. I was ecstatic because her success was something to celebrate with her. It was the best dance I have had in my life.

I often fail at attaining such love in most of my daily interactions. More so, I think I fail to do so in my faith. To know that I can I don't have to put up a shield, and can bring my broken self to just be loved. To know that even in the brokenness, I am complete in God's love, falling into supportive arms. To know that when I say, "God, I need your embrace", that there will be an answer. Not because of who I am, or because of merit, but simply BECAUSE I am. And that is the nature of love. Peace.

Cataplexy

It was a day like any other. My normal days vary a significant degree from your normal days. When's the last time you had a conversation with a someone who is deafblind? Don't feel bad. I am not accusing you of anything. You could ask me when was the last time I had a conversation with someone who ISN'T deafblind.....I don't actually have a whole lot of those.

Manifestations of anger and legitimate frustration are rarely as much of a surprise as I wish they were. These are not my own. They are Haazim's. Still lacking constructive ways of communicating, and relying on tantrums as the most horrifically efficient way of conveying desire, he knows how to bring about an adrenaline rush that leaves me shaking in a pathetic stupor of consuming incompetence. When a child is willing to abandon all sense of self-preservation as a means to an end, it makes it hard to know how to intervene in a positive manner.

I can usually sense an incident's proximity.

So, on that day like any other, I was helpless. Outside of the school campus, walking the streets of Salt, I became tragically aware of his mental preparation to battle. The reverberations of such defiance were being silently issued by his listlessness. Already too far from the school to come up with proactive distractions, I was sensitive to his cues. Accommodating his curiosity, rather than subscribing to ignorance, I take preemptive steps to prevent the kind of misunderstandings that incite his volcanic rage. For each cue, I am willing to stop walking to give Haazim an outlet to talk in his own manner. It might be a tug on my arm, as he tries to establish an imaginative hierarchy of power which crowns him king of schedules, lord of field trips and perhaps I am the jester. It might just be to allow him to smell the air, dank and homely, a mix of sickly cats and rubbish and recently sprouted plants that still cling to hope that more rain will indeed come. It might be feeling the littered pavement, which still has a lingering chill that makes it seem as if winter is obnoxiously unaware of its obligation to succumb to the changing of seasons. He seems accepting of my offerings of goodwill, and all is well.

With the school in sight, my misgivings spring up and I sense inevitable defeat. With a ninety degree turn, Haazim declares an end to the goodwill treaty I had offered up. He senses something, which I cannot discern. Whether it was the distinct feel of the crumbly, craggy, concrete steps, or the aroma of dusty chickens in a nearby shop, it didn't really matter. He wanted something. There was no discussion. I was dismissed, and no amount of signing registered any meaning. I once again responded to his communication, but eventually we didn't obtain that which he was looking for. And just as quickly as he realizes that I don't know how to help him, he screams and throws himself down the cruelly apathetic concrete steps.

With several people around to witness this spectacle, I am frantically embarrassed. I furiously sign to Haazim that we are finished, and we are going back to school. He pulls away and claws at nothingness, resigned now to inflict damage rather than explore in calm cooperation. As I take his hand again, he tries to bite me. I would have yelled, but in the confusion, my heart seemed to have relocated to my esophagus, making any sort of vocalization impossible.

I step back. Other voices suddenly cut through the 10 second calamity that has enthralled my brain for what seems like days. It is a butcher. In his most sternly reproaching tone, he is screaming "Shame. Shame. Shame on you boy." The Arabic words sweetly slash my ego, and then I realize he is supporting me and scolding Haazim. I appreciate his candor, and kindly inform him that Haazim neither sees nor hears. His contempt falls on deaf ears. He nods in understanding, then promptly yells at Haazim, "Go back to Brother Andrew (the institute's director). Back to school." I smile, somewhere in the recesses of my mind, but my face bears no expression other than simple fatigue. I pick Haazim up and we return to the school. No one wins the battle. We both lose.

When it comes to choosing between a tantrum and cataplexy, I'd take cataplexy. Cataplexy doesn't carry the undertones of disdain that the tantrum inflicts on my tender soul. Working with deafblind children has given me a stronger resolve, and a tougher exterior. But it hurts when I am often overtly strict, or expressly severe in punishment. The toll of often sailing the waters of "last resort" leaves me feeling hijacked by pirates. Some pirates have good intentions and jolly dispositions, I suppose. I do prefer, though, a calm lake that is crowned by a wearily descending sun. The kind of calm waters that only come with having actual knowledge and training that dictates action, rather than the intuitive responses that have been characteristic of my work.

I give Mohammed a chocolate. I want to be better, for him. He starts to peel back foil, but hands the chocolate back to me. An implied, "You do it. You're better at this than me." A devilish impulse incites a twitch in the corner of my mouth, producing a vile snarl of pure evil. I let him feel as I delicately remove the wrapping, and promptly put the chocolate in my mouth. In dismay, he feels my empty hands. He couldn't believe his fingertips (eyes). I give him a second chocolate, and we begin a dress rehearsal of my self-produced play called, "Learned Helplessness." The second chocolate has unparalleled deliciousness. I savor it. Mohammed can hardly stand my reprehensible treachery. He calls for another chocolate. Not even acknowledging me, his determination is victorious. As he eats it, I wonder what vengeful thoughts are stewing as he considers the fact that he could have eaten three chocolates instead of just one. I like to think that this kind of exercise makes him appreciate independence in a tangible way, but it probably jut makes him appreciate the times when I am not around to assist in the consumption of his chocolates.

Recent forays into prayer- Mohammed has been taught that prayer is about spewing predetermined lists of blessings as they have been dictated to him by a peer. I have countered this by making prayer into a conversation. We have had many gems come out of this interaction. One day, with a seemingly genuine concern, Mohammed requested a blessing for Satan. I laughed. In one of his first self-constructed prayers, at the end of an exhausting day, Mohammed prayed this: Thank you God, bless me, that is all. I laughed again. And then, in one of his most brilliant moments (regardless of his understanding of what he said), I asked Mohammed, "Why do we pray?", which left him utterly stumped. I had him ask me, and I replied, "I pray to talk with God." I asked him once more, expecting him to copy me, but instead he replied, "Because I love God." I told him that he had given an exceptional answer. I wasn't sure if I was even grasping how exceptional that answer is.

The tantrums. The communication battles. The prayers. The daily surprises that are more challenging than I am capable of handling, yet somehow handle. But I'm not cataplectic. I wouldn't take cataplexy. Cataplexy wouldn't get me through a normal day. My normal days vary a significant degree from your normal days. It's a good thing. Peace.

Thermal Fusion

It's 5:15am, and it is my day off. Some usually delightful tune issued from my iPod has turned sour, disrupting my slumber. The melodious cacophony prompts a grotesque smile as I rise from my bed, though I dare not stand. I know perfectly well why I have chosen to be awake at this most unpleasant hour. I can taste some formless messages being emitted (either by my own body or an otherwise unpleasant demon of the unconscious dream world) which are inducing a mild euphoria at the prospect of returning my head to the comfort of a pillow. But, the sweetness is also alarming, and its allure is akin to what I imagine addiction lusts for me to experience. I vaguely remember a public service announcement about a frying pan, eggs, and a brain on drugs. I try to avoid things that could be addictive. Apparently, my logic has defined sleep as "addictive", so I indulge only in moderation.

The frying pan reminds me that the burners on the stove in my apartment are still issuing pathetically useless yellow flames. I dismantled it a couple days ago, checking valves and pipes and tubes, then reassembled the stubbornly cool fire utility. I haven't figured out how to fix it.

The grotesque smile creeps back as I take the full two steps necessary to cross my room. I have committed to being awake, which makes me happy. Not enduringly happy. More like the kind of happy I am after spraining an ankle and realizing I can "walk it off". It is relative happy.

Although I have only traversed a couple feet, my right calf is already issuing protests to remind me that it has been strained. I look down at the calf disapprovingly and in reproach. My calf lacks sensory mechanisms (such as eyes) to receive the full effect of my ire, although this doesn't stop me from imagining that tiny hands within the muscle fibers are clapping together in apologetic embarrassment.

I stand over my little bookcase, taking in the nuisance which woke me up, mildly amused by how something so cathartic can be circumstantially manipulated into an annoyance. Enough of my alarm-set music. iPod: You are honorably discharged for the morning. Sleep demon: Pathetically dispatched for neglecting to understand psychology. I am much more likely to succumb to flattery than to a simple assault on my sleepiness. Sleepiness has little effect on the fact that I am training for a half-marathon. Awake or not, I feel compelled to run so that my body won't fall apart in 3 weeks on the day of the race.

I sit back down on my bed, ready to lace up my minimalist Adidas running shoes, and I remember yesterday. It quickly flashes through my mind. Yesterday was horrible. I was teaching Mohammed about time, and we were focusing on minutes. These are new to him. So, I took a little foam clock and put braille on both sides. One side has the numbers for the hours, the other has 5 minute increments. The plan was to feel his tactile watch, and then arrange the hand on the model clock to the equivalent number of minutes. Mohammed didn't grasp the correlation, and set about to simply wait for me to help. I told him to do it by himself, which he did, somewhat defiantly, by simply twiddling around for a couple minutes without really setting out to solve the problem which was before him. Looking back, I think this is approximately the time in which he was already mentally checked out.

I helped him to arrange the clock, and then asked him to read the number. He was way off, so, we decided to focus on reading the numbers. My impatience was already brimming over, but I wanted to try to go slow. He stumbles on "0", but then correctly identifies 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30. His grasp of quantities is improving, as is his braille reading. Then, we get to 35....he hasn't memorized this far. He guesses, wrong, and I help. We move on. He gets 40, he gets 45....then comes 50. Mohammed is initially wrong, and then just doesn't care. No longer interested in actually reading the braille number, he is simply spewing out random numbers to show that he hasn't saved this data into his hard drive of a brain. He is protesting the thought process which I am subjecting him to. As he feigns focus, putting up 3's and waiting for my response, my inexperience once again takes hold. I slap his hand down, and tell him to read. To focus. To think. But, he would rather just keep aiming blindly at whatever the target answer is, using buckshot from his database to hopefully cover the possible answers while I wait. I repeatedly slap his hand down, asking him to show me where he is seeing a 3. He doesn't know, nor does he care at this point. I show him that it is a 5 and a 0, together. His mind is already in the kitchen, ready for lunch. I am fuming. He finally mirrors me, acknowledging that it is 50. It wasn't even school at that point, just an infuriating power struggle, which Mohammed only moderately understands the dynamics of. We go to lunch, Mohammed's father shows up, and he goes home for the weekend. I feel rather pathetic as a teacher. Yesterday was horrible. Today is better, I have already decided.

I look back down at my laces. I am not a masochist. I do, however, feel like a poor performance at works provides a little bit of motivation to push myself to be better at whatever I do. I step out my front door, and take a deep breath, in anticipation of 8 grueling miles. A sense of accomplishment comes over me as I realize that I have beat the sun in rising. I take off.

The running sends me through a wormhole. Time passes without me actually experiencing more than a few moments. An interested pedestrian says, "Good morning", with a smirk. His intrigue stems from my exposed lower legs (!عيب), blond hair, strangely attractive beard (I'm fairly certain he thought I was quite a looker), and the fact that I am running mindlessly around Salt this early in the morning. I tumble across an unknown distance. I am pulled back into the normalized time continuum by the honking of some admirers. They are shabaab, young men with their own culture (of which volumes could be written to detail the precise mannerisms and general behavior they often exude). They are cruising around, packed into their blinged-out green Hyundai, even more mindlessly than the manner in which my now jellified legs are carrying me. Back into the wormhole.

The sun shoots unpleasant rays into my eyes from around a hilltop. I feel as though I might have died. I realize that it wasn't the sun which did this to me. It was merely the luminous burst that prompted an awareness of my current state, as induced by too much running. The sun is a powerful thing. I cannot fathom the energy it produces by thermal fusion, but I appreciate it in the same way I appreciate good friends or a plate of spaghetti (not to say that friends and spaghetti are the same thing...I can distinguish the two on most occasions). I finish running.

Back to fusion. Although the time is still far off, I am already contemplating what is will be like to leave this place. To have invested so much of my time as a service worker primarily into a relationship with one student...well, that does not make for an easy transition. I feel like I have stepped into a process of fusion. Rather than two atoms fusing together in a gracefully exothermic ballet, it is me and Mohammed. We are interacting in very rewarding ways, which impact not only ourselves, but those around us. Apart, we are what we are, but fused, we do a lot more. The form of my service work is impacted by Mohammed. It transforms who I am, and who he is. It shapes me, Mohammed, and many others, in direct and indirect ways. Our exothermic equivalent is the vitality that we receive, the things we learn from each other, the relationship that is formed, and the changed perceptions on deafblindness.

Fusion. Clever analogy in what could have been an uneventful, rather forgettable morning run. Thank God for faithfully providing me with such moments of reflection. If you haven't yet, go out and look at the sun. The luminous burst is captivating. And may you remember God as you think of the fusion present in your life. Peace.

Crying Out

In the midst of program renovations and personal struggles of daily balance, I had a delightful obligation thrust upon me. A personal appraisal report. Evaluating myself.

Let's be honest. I am not satisfied with how well I do my job, because I have such vivid delusions of utopia. I see beyond what I am doing wrong, identifying what I should ideally be accomplishing. Not just the ideal, but the unattainable. I wouldn't classify myself as being entirely naive, but I certainly do maintain an admirable amount of wide-eyed, born yesterday-ness in regards to my expectations. It is as if I'm subscribing to the cliche' "Shoot for the moon, because if you miss, you'll land among the stars" notion. Sigh. More like, "Shoot for the moon, and lasso that smugly deformed heavenly body and bring it down a couple levels". And, as we both know, I lack the Herculian power to wage a futile moonbattle. I can't even do the moonwalk.

It is both fair and unfair. Unfair that my student doesn't have a professional to work with. Unfair that I expect myself to fill the role of professional. Fair that I chose to do this job, and to do my best at it (and, even more confounding, was my eager willingness to do it). Fair that I should expect this to be more than a tantalizingly entertaining experiment in cultures and service and independence. Fair that I should be able to say I am failing to be an excellent teacher without necessarily saying that I am failing to serve in a Christian way.

So, I am sitting and chuckling at some of the finer points of my personal appraisal form. Dating from the start of my term, a year and a half ago, I am supposed to address which of my "responsibilities have proved most difficult during this period". My sarcastic muscles haven't been flexed for so long, and it is hard to force myself to answer seriously. My initial thoughts, though, were somewhere along these lines: Well, having no prior experience in education, and having majored in biology in college, I would say being thrust into the position of full-time educator and program coordinator for an individual who is deafblind has proved most difficult. A concise answer that blankets over the gamut of responsibilities that my job basically entails. Boils down to an equation. Most difficult thing= my job. But that sounds too horribly positive and upbeat for me to just leave it at that.

I am looking into things like transition planning for an 18-year old that still gets confused about responding to simple questions like, "What do you like to do?". By transition planning, I am think vocational options, communication strategies, and targeted activities for increased independence. I don't feel like I could put together that kind of portfolio for myself. And I am supposed to do it for Mohammed? I mean, why waste your time scratching out a thesis paper into firewood when you know you're gonna burn it anyway. Yeah, that pretty much sucks the hope out of the room, wraps in a neat bow, then tosses it into the all-too-familiarly unkempt squatty potty at my flat.

And yet here I am, delightfully scratching away with a dopey grin plastered across my face. Almost as if I have been duped into thinking that I am coloring a Spiderman poster. But there is a reason. And this reason happens to reside in the realm of sanity (research shows sane people hold more credibility than the insane, but I have my doubts). And my reason is that I am crying out. I'll keep forging onward, but I'll be screaming for help while I trudge on.

In Mark 10, Jesus encounters Bartimaeus. Bartimaeus, a labeled and recognizable outcast, is likely looked upon in both pity and condemnation. Pity for his blindness and poverty. Condemnation for the supposed sin which brought this condition upon him (who cares if it was even his sin, right?). But, he doesn't really care about that when he finds out Jesus is passing. Bartimaeus cries out. And is healed because of his faith.

I am not a spiritual figure coming into the life of disabled persons, healing them. I'm more like Bartimaeus. In some instances, though, I get to also be the advocate, standing next to Bartimaeus. And rather than judging, assuming, or pitying, I get to simply join in the act of crying out. Or, maybe just cry out because the person beside me doesn't know how to. That is more like what my job is.

And this question, on my appraisal report, was so good for me to reflect on. The question and reflection:

1. In what ways does the work you do parallel your understanding of MCC’s mission to help bring peace, justice and comfort to God’s children?

See Matthew 25:40 (...whatever you did for one of the least of these...you did for me.). In this context, a deafblind individual is perhaps very deserving of the title “least of these”. It isn't that such a designation is derogatory. I certainly do not intend it to be. But, to be multi-sensory deprived means to be inherently disconnected from the beginning. To be labeled in such a distinct way, then pitied and stigmatized and misunderstood. At age 18, Mohammed doesn't know how to ask questions. He doesn't know how to express his feelings, or have a normal conversation. He can't tie his shoes. He has never been given real control over his life. It is one thing to be blind Bartimaeus, crying out for Jesus. But, to not even understand how to cry out for help, or comprehend that people could respond to such a call: This takes social exclusion to a whole new level, bringing together a lack of empowerment, misconceptions, and unfathomably minute awareness of one's own potential.

Working so intimately with Mohammed isn't merely a matter of education. It is about elevating him out of the prison of prolonged ostracism. It is about informing people about him, and changing perceptions about individuals with disabilities. It is about reaching out to a culture that sometimes misinterprets what it means to be multi-sensory deprived. In doing this, I am not just bringing peace to one child. I am not just striving for justice for individuals who are deafblind. I am not just comforting Mohammed. I am reaching out to an entire community to break down barriers that are self-imposed, and are preventing some measures of peace, justice, and comfort for more than just the students I work with. It may merely be a pebble tossed into the ocean, but I hope to break the surface tension, disrupting placid waters with ripples of awareness, compassion, and advocacy. I think this aligns with what I interpret MCC's mission to be.

Which brings me to my final equation. Most difficult thing= My Job= Most awesome thing (you can figure out if this transitive relation applies to your life at your leisure). And that is why I do have a dopey grin, and a rather tired face, at 3:00am. Although I am still a little bitter that the appraisal form didn't address more of my strengths.......Beard Growing: 4= Examplary-- outstanding; exceeds expectations.

Peace.

Looking to the Ocelot

I have pondered, for many years, what animal I would most like to be. To me, it seems a very relevant question. In virtually every conversation I have, I can imagine that the subject would come up, and it would be rather embarrassing to not have an answer loaded up. I mean, to simply say, "I have no idea what animal I would choose. That is a daft notion...being an animal." Well, it seems even more daft to not have pondered the thought. It is of tremendous importance.

Ocelot. I mean, for the purpose of small talk, I might sometimes go with newt as an icebreaker. Or platypus to garner adulation. Or even the yeti crab, to display sophistication and uniqueness. But ocelot, that is my most sincere answer.

The ocelot: Sleek. Solitary. Feline ferocity packed in a rather unimposing body. Intensely calm eyes. Pungent urine. Round ears. Lowest resting body temperature of in its family. At this point, you have probably forgotten that I was describing the ocelot, since it is so eerily similar to how you might describe me.

Which brings me to health concerns. I have had a relatively low resting body temperature for a while. Often below 97. Which doesn't indicate much, but it conveniently connects the animal talk with this paragraph. Also, and slightly more pressing, were the constant feelings of fatigue and drowsiness, accompanied by mild irritability. So, I went to the doctor and found out that I have low iron and vitamin D levels, which I suppose would explain my symptoms. If I actually were an ocelot, I would be eating more meat. Since I am not, I am settling for supplements. Woot for feeling slightly more healthy now!

Besides that, work has brought its unique challenges. I am continually discovering that I am much better at evaluation and analysis than I am at putting together a program. So, simple things like making a schedule that includes vocational opportunities, cooking skills, communication focuses, and recreation/leisure time just doesn't seem to come together. Maybe it isn't simple...but still, I have trouble conceiving of how to assemble it, and so it gets pushed back a week at a time.

I continue to feel like I am not doing enough for Mohammed, mostly because I am not active enough in communicating with him. Once communication starts to make sense, it will be a lot easier to explain concepts. Until then, we hit walls.

Still, we have our moments. At 18, Mohammed neither understands the how or the why of brushing his teeth. So, I am teaching him how to do it effectively. I am teaching him the Arabic words for brush, toothpaste, clean, teeth, mouth, towel. I am arguing with him over the tastiness of toothpaste, discussing the viability of the minty gel as a nutritional supplement (although in terms that I am sure he doesn't understand). I am getting into rather heated exchanges over the proper technique of spitting into the sink. I am hiding the toothpaste to get Mohammed to be inquisitive. To approach me and say, "Where is the toothpaste?". I wouldn't even mind if he would curse my name and tell me he is bored with my shenanigans. Mostly, he is just resolved to stand until I help him, or give him the answer.

So, I told him that this is important. I explained that he must do these things on his own, and have knowledge about why he needs to do them. It wasn't compelling. To raise the stakes, I asked him what he would do if I were dead. To illustrate, I simply snapped my neck down and became as corpse-like as possible. This, I should have known, sent Mohammed into an obnoxiously cheerful, uncontainable giggle fit. Perhaps the notion of me dying on the spot was humorous. Perhaps he thought it was quite silly to conceive of me not being around to hold him accountable and to teach him. Or, perhaps, he was actually convinced that I had indeed been smitten by the cold, indifferent hand of mortality, prompting a celebratory giddiness. Regardless, it didn't convey what I had hoped. So, we went back to work...

A couple days later, I decided to apply more pressure. As a part of his morning schedule, Mohammed makes his bed. So, in line with developing communication, I decided to leave everything in order so that there was no work to be done. The catch: Mohammed's pillow was conspicuously missing. He will need to initiate communication with me, and ask a question. So, he climbs his ladder, and realizes that this will be simple. Since we had just worked on asking the question "Where is....(object)?", with his braille schedule, I was convinced that M would ace this. Instead, he comes down and tells me, "there is nothing". I know what he is implying, and am also aware that this non-specific communication is usually sufficient enough to make it evident what he wants. So, I simply respond, "What isn't there?". He is baffled. Of course, it is so clear. He had just tapped the pillowless space on his bed, but why doesn't Brent seem to know. I just play dumb, and ask, "So....what do you want?".

All of the sudden, the kid is more nervous and agitated than I have ever seen him. Issuing heart wrenching vocalizations akin to wails from a torture chamber, he simply grabs my hands pulls them up, implying that this is the part where I end it. It hurts to see him so confused and clearly panicked, but I only help him remember the sign for "where". He starts to randomly ask things. He goes with "Where is under?", "Where is Annas (name of a student)?, "Where is the ladder?". I explain that his first question doesn't make much sense, that Annas is in school, and the ladder to his bed is right beside him. He firmly grabs my hands again, so I give him more options. Desk, chair, bed, backpack. He tries asking those things as well, and as I direct him to each one, he gets more desperate and exasperated. I am suffering as well, at this point. It is one of those things I don't want him to just repeat and memorize, I want him to UNDERSTAND. I want him to figure it out.

So, we keep going, and eventually find our way to a pillow. I ask him, "What is this?". He tells me it is Annas. I have to explain, then, that it is Annas's pillow, but it is not a part of Annas himself. Bing. Light goes on. The kid, with not much relief, finally asks me for the pillow. Specifically, he tells me he wants "Mohammed's pillow". With a huge grin, I tell him where he can find it. After retrieving it, I have to show my extreme pleasure with jumping and high-fives. Mohammed, though, is still not amused.

I hope, though, that when he finally figures out the power of asking questions, he will find it not only tremendously useful, but will become incessantly inquisitive. I, undoubtedly, will be happy about it. Until then, I will be happy with Mohammed for his willingness to endure the grueling interactions that stem from my insanely high expectations, as we work towards the moments of epiphanic awakening.

I will patiently wait for those moments, and then spring on them, with feline ferocity. Just like the ocelot. Peace.